References And Randomness
by Scarlet Pikachu
Summary: Full of references and randomness, my own little fun trail mix, this will be funny, disturbing, and a bit unorthodox. Guessing the references might get you a surprise. Updated as randomly as its contents.
1. Double Rainbow!

I typed this in 4-5 minutes.

I just realized I'm a bipolar writer, first I write about romance, then a horror where a beloved HTF character gets raped, and now I'm doing humor? Oh boy, the only thing I can say is this will be full of one-shots that have references(I'll tell you if they don't) and may span over more than just HTF in the future.

A wasp just put my right hand semi-out of commission, I say semi because I'm too stubborn to stop typing despite the fact that my fingers are swollen and inflamed.

If you can guess the reference you get a cookie.

* * *

A knock on his door made Splendid glance up, he gazed at the clock, then the door, then the ceiling, as though confused. "Impossible, nobody ever comes up here, this cliff is too steep to climb." He muttered, setting his newspaper aside.

A certain purple beaver was on his doorstep, eyes filled with admiration.

"Oh, hey Toothy." He said suddenly.

"Splendid, you just gotta see this, it's a double rainbow!" Toothy declared, gesturing out at the sky.

Splendid followed Toothy's gesture and saw it was true.

"Oh my, it's a double rainbow! Oh my, it's a whole rainbow!"

"Yeah, I told you it was." Toothy said, but Splendid was busy gasping and making little 'oh' sounds.

"It's a double rainbow!" He said, and started repeating it over and over and over. Until he had said it almost a hundred times.

Toothy gave him a curious look. ". . . Yeah."

"What does this mean?"

"Uh, Splendid?"

Splendid was so busy staring he failed to notice, "Oooh, I've got to capture it on my camera!" He ran inside and dug through his stuff, a bowling ball went flying through his window in his haste, but he didn't notice, said ball landed on a yellow bunny named Cuddles who was crushed flat into a bloody pancake.

"Here it is!" The squirrel ran back and started filming. "Whoa, look at that rainbow!" His camera started bobbing as he hopped up and down excitedly. "Yeah, double rainbow! So bright, so vivid! It's starting to look like a triple rainbow- ahhhhh!" He screamed as Toothy suddenly shoved the male over the side of the cliff. The super squirrel righted himself halfway down and floated there, still filming. "So intense, double rainbow!"

Toothy sighed and groaned in annoyance.

Splendid rose back to the top of the cliff, he patted Toothy on the back and pointed. "Look at that rainbow, that is the baddest effing rainbow I've ever seen!"

"Aren't you overdoing this a bit?" Toothy asked, scratching at an ear.

"What does it mean?" Splendid rambled.

Toothy groaned, and then smiled to himself, it was rather amusing to see his hero enmeshed with such a simple thing as a double rainbow. "It means the shrooms are kicking in."

Splendid glared at him, "You just had to ruin it, didn't you?"


	2. Sweet Little Bumblebee

Another of my random oneshots.

I don't own Bumblebee by Bambee or Happy Tree Friends.

I do own my sanity whatever little I have.

No references this time. XD

* * *

Lifty grumbled to himself angrily. "I can't believe he sent me out again, why am I always following his orders, he may wear the hat and stuff, but still . . ." He kicked a rock, "That's it, why am I even contemplating this? I'm going to confront him right now!" The male said, turning around and heading back.

The faint sound of music coming from their house made Lifty's ears twitch. "He's playing music? Why would he kick me out to do that?" Nothing he thought of explained why Shifty would kick him out just to play music.

_'This makes no sense,' _he told himself.

He snuck around the back, looking trough all the windows until he saw Shifty, said raccoon had his back to the window.

A grin spread across the male's face as he found a crowbar and expertly pried the window open, his brother didn't even notice.

The words drifted to his ears and it took every shred of self control for him not to laugh.

_Sweet little bumble bee_

_I know what you want from me_

_Dup-i-dup-i-do la da_

_Dup-i-dup-i-do la da_

_Sweet little bumble bee_

_More than just a fantasy_

_Dup-i-dup-i-do la da_

_Dup-i-dup-i-do la da_

_My heart skips a beat_

_When you walk in the room_

_I go boom, boom, boom_

_You go zoom, zoom, zoom_

_You're my playboy, playtoy_

_Love you, my friend_

_I wanna be with you until the end _

It was now that Lifty realized Shifty was dancing, and without a second word, he crawled through the window and raced to his room to get his camera. When he found it, he checked the battery and film, both were raring to go. He hid the camera discretely and turned it on before leaving via the window.

Two weeks later:

Shifty heard hysterical laughter coming from his brother's room, his curiosity intensified, he went and knocked on the door. "Lifty, what're you doing?"

The laughter stopped and a sudden crash rang out along with the sound of things being shoved away. "Nothing!" He shouted.

Shifty wasn't satisfied, he swung the door open and gasped at the mess. "What are all these DVD discs doing on the floor?"

"Nothing!" Lifty shouted, exiting the media player and turning his monitor off.

Shifty glared at him and pushed him away before turning the computer screen back on. "What does 'burning ninety-five percent' mean?" He asked accusingly.

"Nothing bro, I'm just burning something to one of my discs."

"Is it porn again?" Shifty asked, eyes narrowed.

"No!" Lifty shrieked, blushing. "You promised you'd never bring that up again."

"Show me it then."

The younger twin shook his head furiously.

"Lifty . . . I swear, if you don't show me . . . " He growled, inside he knew that he didn't really have any way of backing up his threat. "I'll confiscate your computer for the rest of your life."

They held each others stare, both silently fighting for control. The intensity increases until finally Lifty looked away. "Fine." He opened the file, and had to fight the urge to laugh when the video started.

Shifty was dancing and singing.

"Sweet little bumble bee

I know what you want from me

Dup-i-dup-i-do la da

Dup-i-dup-i-do la da

Sweet little bumble bee

More than just a fantasy

Dup-i-dup-i-do la da

Dup-i-dup-i-do la da"

He was really cutting a rug!

". . . " The fedora-clad male gawped.

"I uh, also already sent everybody a copy and posted it on Youtube. . ." Lifty murmured while pressing the tips of his paws together nervously.

" . . . . . . ." Shifty's eyes twitched, but he didn't speak.

"Uh, Shifty?"

". . . I can not believe this!"

"Yeah, well, I . . . I'm sorry?"

Shifty glanced at him, a look that was akin to confusion, but with a pinch of insanity and satisfaction crossed his face before he smiled and ruffled Lifty's fur. "Don't worry, you just start running before I count to ten."

"Sh-Shifty? Wha-"

"One," Shifty started, his eyes narrowing, they were the eyes of a crazy animal's.

Lifty knew well enough to scamper out the door.

"Two!"

The male tripped over a chair and opened the door before slamming it and running down the streets screaming bloody murder.

Shifty chuckled, straightening his fedora and turning to leave, he spared the screen another look before nodding at his dancing form. "I must say, I do look hot when I dance."

He took out the newly burned disc out and pocketed it before grabbing a half empty glass bottle of Pepsi, he dumped its contents out carelessly and started after his brother.

Hell hath no fury like a brother wronged.


	3. A Knight's Mishap

Here's another random one, not much work on my part, but hey, I like this one 'cause it's really funny and a classic! This also made the rating go up from K+ to T. XD

** Be the first one to guess the reference and you'll get a free request for an HTF oneshot and I don't care how insane it is, but it will more than likely be short like most of these oneshots.  
**

* * *

As Sir Toothalad rode onward he was amazed to see a castle in the distance._ 'Perhaps I can seek shelter there.' _He thought hopefully, he spurred his horse onward.

Dismounting he pounded on the door, "Open the door, I am a knight looking for shelter from the storm!" he cried, feeling his short, damp, rain-soaked fur chilled by the relentless wind.

The door swung open and a young skunk there pulled him inside. "Welcome to the castle Diehard."

"Diehard?" The beaver replied, his eyes curious.

"I know, not a very good name, right?"

She kept tugging him further down the hallway. Along the way hundreds of females watched with eyes, a few bashed their eyelashes flirtatiously, others blew kisses. The male's eyes widened in surprise and embarrassment.

"Here, let me call a maid, Giggles!"

A pink chipmunk ran up. "Yes, Petunia!"

"Prepare a bed!"

She quickly scurried off, eager to do the skunk's bidding.

"What is your name, handsome knight?" Petunia asked, eying him lovingly.

"Sir Toothalad . . . the Chaste."

Petunia clapped her hands ecstatically. "Oh, you'll be most welcome here, we're all just lonely females, just eight score skunks, foxes, and chipmunks, such lonely doldrums we endure. We bathe together, dress together, undress together, it's all so uninteresting, you know?"

He nodded, how could that be uninteresting? She chattered on, dragging him further and further inside, eventually she came to a bed, here she made him sit. He saw girls surrounding his every direction, beautiful

"By coming here you have agreed to live here and prosper, right?"

"You never said that."

"Yes I did." She said, eyes wide with surprise. "I'm certain I did."

"No," He shook his head vehemently.

"Oh, naughty Petunia, naughty naughty Petunia! Oh, I'm so naughty I must pay the penalty! Here in castle Diehard we have but one punishment for misleading one so handsome as you: you must tie me down and spank me."

Several foxes and chipmunks cheered wildly.

"A spanking! A spanking!"

Giggles giggled and nodded, "You must spank her well and after you're done, you must spank me!"

A fox exclaimed, "And me!"

"And me!" An eager skunk cried, her tail quivering with excitement.

A chorus of the two words rang out with such intensity that Toothy blushed wildly.

A fox stroked his arm and spoke with desire evident in her voice. "Yes, and after the spanking comes the oral sex."

Sir Toothalad grinned, "Well, I could commit myself to staying here for good."

Suddenly the door was kicked in and Sir Fliqpalot barged in with wide, yellow eyes. "Sir Toothalad, there you are!"

Toothalad gazed at him with a look akin to someone who had just had his fun ruined. "Oh, hello."

"Quick!"

"What?" He replied, uncertainly.

"Quick!" He exclaimed, grasping the male's paw and pulling him away. "Come, you are in great peril!"

Petunia tried to block their exit and opened her mouth, but Fliqpalot pushed her aside. "Silence foul temptress!"

Toothalad pulled back, struggling to remain behind, but the green-furred male was too strong. "Look, I'm fine! Now look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!"

A fox ran out, calling to them, "Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!"

The others broke into a roar. "Yes! Tackle us single-handed!"

Fliqpalot shook his head violently and pushed the male out the door, he turned around and winked, he handed a girl a few copies of his business card. "Call me for a good time, you hear?"

The girls nodded, fighting over the cards violently. He didn't look back as he left, ushering the male onward. "Sir Toothalad, come on!"

"Wait! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred and fifty of them!" He exclaimed, clawing and fighting. He briefly escaped Fliqpalot's grasp, but the bear grabbed his leg and drug him by that. Toothalad tried to stop his mobility, he grabbed a hold of a tree stump, but it didn't stay rooted very long, so he just collapsed in a fit of sobs.

After they had traveled far enough, the beaver decided to walk on his own, his arms crossed, he pouted the entire time.

"We were in the nick of time, you were in great peril."

The young male stopped pouting enough to sniff. "I don't think I was."

"Yes you were, you were in terrible peril."

He gazed at the distant castle, the place he had become accustomed to, who couldn't? All those hot babes . . . "Look, let me go back in there and face the peril."

A shake of his head. "No, it is far too perilous."

"Look, I'm a knight, I'm supposed to get as much peril as I can." the beaver said, hoping to get a small opportunity to head back, for an hour, or a decade.

"No, we've got to head on back. Come on!"

"Well, let me have just a little bit of peril?" Toothalad pleaded, big ebony eyes full of hope and desire.

The bear laughed and clucked his tongue sympathetically. "No, it's unhealthy."

He felt rage inside himself, rage that escaped in a stupid sentence fragment, "Bet you're gay!"

The older knight scoffed and tried to refrain from slapping Toothalad. "No, I'm not."


	4. No More Lonely Days

The reference in this is nearly impossible to guess, if you do, you're so damn good I'll be to awed to speak. XD

This is one that Eclipse8 on DA asked for after he guessed a reference correctly on there first, the last chapter's offer still stands as of now.

This is a MoleXMime oneshot, it's nothing dirty, just a cute lil' oneshot. If you don't like guyXguy **at all **don't read, if you can handle holding paws and kissing, then you're all set to read.

I like to make Mole seem more sophisticated, he may be blind, but I bet he still has class!

* * *

Mole was very lonely, it was hard when you were blind and no one would visit you. He gazed up at the ceiling, his blind unseeing eyes staring straight ahead behind the dark shades he always wore.

"A visitor is all I ask. A temporary companion to share a few short hours in my lonely life." He pleaded.

Suddenly Mime burst through the door, he had recently gotten his house set on fire when Lumpy had doused it with gasoline instead of water. All that for a small kitchen fire.

The Mole threw his hands up, praise filling the air. "Thank you, Lord! Thank you!"

Mime sneezed and shivered, he had recently noticed it was allergy season and was almost completely over it, but his nose was still being tickled by the darned pollen that drifted through the air.

Mole walked over, reaching out and touching Mime's shoulders and face. "No, no, no, don't speak! Don't say a word! Oh, my joy and my prize from heaven."

Mime gazed at him oddly, they'd never really done more than crossed paths, the only thing they'd ever done in the area of interacting was bumping into each other and helping each other back up before scurrying off again.

Mole's hands moved over the face, it felt familiar, "My name is Mole and I live here all alone. You're Mime, am I correct?"

The Mime nodded.

"Oh! Forgive me! I forgot you were mute. You see how Heaven plans. Me, a poor blind man and you . . . a mute . . . " He grabbed one of the deer's paws. "Ah, but your paw is frozen, my child. How does a nice bowl of soup sound to you, huh?"

The Mime nodded, it sounded delightful!

Turning away, the Mole went to his dinner that was simmering, it was amazing that he could cook, Mime was almost afraid the soup would have nasty stuff in it, but it actually smelled absolutely delightful. He shut the door, realizing it made the room chilly.

"Yes, well . . . I know what it means to be cold and hungry, yes, and . . .and how much it means to have a little kindness from a stranger. Are you ready for your soup?"

Mime nodded as he grabbed a clean bowl and sat down at the table.

The burrowing male continued to talk about how lonely he had been as he sat the steaming pot down, meanwhile, Mime held his bowl out. Being blind and all, he spilled several ladles upon the table and then poured some into Mime's lap.

Despite being silent, the buck let out an audible hiss and breathed heavily as he tried to ignore the pain.

"Hold out your bowl, then. Oh, my friend, my friend, you don't know what your visit means to me . . . Oh, how long I've waited for the pleasure of another being. Sometimes in our contemplation of worldly matters . . . "

He spilled another ladle into Mime's lap, this time the male couldn't keep quiet. "Ahhhhhhh!"

Mole nodded as if the silent male was agreeing and not shrieking in agony. "We tend to forget the simple pleasures . . ." finally the bowl was full and he clinked it against the table, Mole got the meaning of the sound and dished himself a bowl, spilling relatively little, much to the deer's irritation. "Are the basis for true happiness. Yes yes yes! Oh! And now, a little wine with your soup?"

"Mmm-hmm." Mime replied.

"Good, good." He said, grabbing two cups and pouring them without spilling a drop, apparently he knew enough to not waste even a drop of the wine. This was watched by the purple-furred male with a look of awe.

Mime then lifted the cup, sipping lightly.

"WAIT!" Mole exclaimed.

The quiet male startled and barely managed to keep a hold of his cup, he gazed expectantly across the table at the other.

"A toast! A toast!"

He nodded and lifted his cup.

"To long friendship." He said, tapping the cups together.

Mime felt an urge to speak, but should he really break his vow of silence? Surely a blind guy wouldn't see anything wrong with keeping such a secret. His voice, was soft, slow, and well spoken, there wasn't so much stammering as there was pauses between words. "I'm . . . not really . . . mute, I'm just . . . a mime."

Mole's ears twitched and he paused before smiling. "Ah, so you can talk? Well, then you are only mute by nature, not by birth, little difference."

"You . . . really mean . . . that?"

The lighter coloured male nodded, his nose twitching in delight as he inhaled the scent of the wine. "Indubitably. We are all brothers under the skin, and I believe that disabilities are nothing to be ashamed of, they merely make us stronger."

"Oh, I . . . most certainly agree."

Mole smiled and reached for a napkin and his paw brushed Mime's making the two pause and stare at said paws. " . . . Here." Mime said, handing him a napkin.

"Do you believe in love, despite genders?" The digger asked, dabbing at his muzzle in a stoic manner.

Pausing the male hesitated. "I'm . . . not sure, I've . . . never really . . . had a relationship. It's . . . the . . . ah, silent thing . . . it's unnerving to most people."

"Not to me, dear boy, it's really not that disturbing when you think of it. So, would you be interested in giving a relationship a try, even if it was with a male?" Mole inquired.

"Well, I . . . I suppose I'd be willing . . . to give . . . it a shot . . . "

The male smiled and leaned forward, "Then, let's start small and work our way up, shall we?"

Mime nodded, leaning forward, the deer saw the mole's ears twitch and then felt said male's lips against his.

When they ended the kiss, granted it only lasted a few seconds and was one so innocent that it made them both smile sheepishly, yet it held a huge impact on them both. They nodded at the exact same as though they had made a mutual agreement.

"So why did you stumble into my house on this day anyway?"

Mime grinned and began reciting the earlier events, the two laughed and sighed at what were considered by most mundane misfortunes. Mole told Mime about the life of a blind animal and Mime told him the role his namesake held, and their paws held one another as they conversed late into the night.


	5. Miss Me Much?

Eclipse8, made this request and it has been making my mind wanna write a perv fest, but I reigned the urge in and kept this short, sweet, tasty, but not to the extent that it would scar too many people, at least, not more than usual. ^^;

Note: This is based around the same time-line as Fishing Trip Pt2 he wrote on DA, it's part of a really good story, inspired by me(no matter how many times I say that it still makes me feel really happy to know I inspired someone to write a fanfic).

This has some . . . naughty bits, but it's still T rated, beware if yaoi is not your thing.

No References this time.

* * *

"Mole, I'm . . .back." Mime called as he walked in the house.

He smiled as the blind male looked up from his book(braille, duh), and set it aside. "How was your day Mimesy?"

Flushing, he rubbed at an antler, if he didn't know better he'd say it wouldn't be long before he'd shed the velvet off of them. Unlike most deer, his antlers never fell off, they just grew longer and broke off back to their original size again.

"Well, we really didn't catch anything, aside from a boot,"

Mole smiled and stood up before walking towards the spot where his beloved stood. "So, anything else interesting happen?"

"No, not . . . really, why?"

Mole reached out, for a blind guy, he had excellent sight, or perhaps he was just good at detecting stuff via his other senses. His paws rested on Mime's hips as he pulled him in for a delicious kiss. Eyes shut, the male moaned into the kiss. All of a sudden a quick gasp escaped Mime's mouth as he felt Mole grab a hold of his rear and squeeze.

"M-muh-Mole!" He squealed.

"Oh, you know you sound so darn cute when you squeal like that, it makes me think of things . . . "

Mime flushed and tilted his head back. The bells on his antlers jingling, leaning forward, the lighter male nipped at his neck before ravaging Mime's mouth in another intense kiss.

"Did you . . . miss me?" Mime panted, squirming a bit in the males grasp as he felt another squeeze on his behind.

"What do you think, Mimesy."

"Eeh . . . I . . . uh, yeah, I think you did." He eeped. He suddenly attempted to change the subject, "What were you reading, hon?"

The smile upon his beloved's face made him regret asking, "Go read the title yourself." He loosened his grip and the deer picked the book up and glanced at it, trailing his fingers along slowly, his eyes shut.

Mole had thought him only a few letters, namely the vowels and seven or eight of the most common consonants so far.

_'Let me see, _(the - represent letters he doesn't know)"_Yaoi, se- positio-s, and more t-ings to ma-e your lo-er scream" . . . Uh, oh.' _But he picked up on enough letters to gulp.

A husky voice whispered in his ear, "I think even you can guess what that's all about."

". . . Y-yeah, but Mole. . . " He turned about, wrapping his arms around the male and snuggling. "Can't . . . we just cuddle?"

"I had been planning on doing that all along."

Mime flushed, suddenly realizing his mate had been flustering him on purpose. "You got me all riled up for your own twisted reasons, I'm shocked."

Mole kissed along his neck, making the male close his eyes and groan, The ground dweller whispered. "Yes, but you enjoy it too."

"Only because it's you, my beloved." He replied with a kiss.


	6. A Question For A Chameleon

A few things I want to point out first:

1. Mouse Ka-Boom speaks French with what little English he's learned, he's begun to try his hand at the language, although Sneaky doesn't quite know why since the chameleon can understand the mouse's French just fine and can even speak the language back.

2. This takes place under no particular time line, it's more than likely that this cab take place either before they went into the army, or after they got out(them reviving after the war is a possibility few have explored).

3. French words will be listed alphabetically at the bottom.

4. I do not own Mouse Ka-Boom or Sneaky, they are prperty of Mondo Media as is all the other HTF characters.

5. No reference in this one. There's also very light hits of yaoi.

* * *

Mouse Ka-Boom sighed, he was busy reorganizing his explosive collection. Sneaky was staring at the walls, his eyes blank, he wasn't even looking at the walls, he was too bus thinking to notice the drab white plaster.

"Sacré bleu, ez very, ennui." The tangerine male said, rolling a bomb back and forth from one paw to another.

"Sure is, what are we going to do if things keep being this boring? It's been this way for three days now." Sneaky said.

"Oui, Mon ami. What are we to do, any idea, Reebok?"

The chameleon grumbled and looked at the rodent. "I wish you wouldn't call me that, where did you come up with Reebok anyway?"

"Iz simple, oui, I pet-named tu Sneakers and Reebok is an American type of shoes like sneakers, so mon ami, what is so hard to comprehendre? Iz simple mais oui!" He exclaimed, the bomb rolling outside of his paw and bumping into the reptile's thigh.

"Hey, keep your explosives over there, I may be bored, but going out with a bang is not my style." Sneaky snapped, shoving it back towards him roughly.

Mouse stopped its roll, picking it up and grinning. "vould be pis-aller indeed."

"Whatever."

The round-eared male walked over, said ears lifting and dropping in annoyance. "Does mon ami not hold moi in rapport?" He questioned, eying the male for a reaction.

"Why wouldn't we get along? We're just two males bored to hell and back, with no females to chase after and no cards to play poker with."

"Oui, a game of pinochle vould be, how tu say, grand?"

"Grand means good, and yeah, it would." Sneaky replied approving the males usage of grand.

Sitting, the mouse's tail wavered, twitching as it shifted, it then brushed against Sneaky's tail, both started before their tails jerked as far apart as possible. "Eh . . . " They both muttered.

"Iz it true vhat zey say?" He asked before blushing and glancing away.

"Is what true?" Sneaky asked, suddenly curious, "Who says what?"

"Ah, neverz tu mind, vhose vere not bon mots." Mouse Ka-Boom squeaked, shuffling away, his eyes wide in surprise at exactly what he had been about to ask the chameleon.

His wrist was seized, glancing up, he stared into the face of an irritated reptile. "We finally start talking and I almost forget my boredom, and then you pique my curiosity, now you want to hide those 'poorly chosen words'? Not this time, je m'en fous why you didn't ask it, but you had better ask it completely this time!"

Ka-Boom's ears pulled back in shock at his com padre's use of the mouse's native language. "Mon ami, et, vas but a silly thought."

"Spit it out already!" Sneaky snarled, his patience wearing thinner by the second, the grip on Mouse's paw intensifying.

"Merde. . . " He muttered, his eyes widening at the male's aggression. "Ez this to become a mêlée?"

"If you don't answer soon, it will be worse." He threatened.

"It is a faux pas, but iz it vrue about tu reptiles being gifted vith sucroit le sexe?" He gulped.

Sneaky's face flushed and he stood up, not answering the question, he walked around the place, picking at a loose scale before nodding. "Yeah, us reptiles have two . . . le sexe."

"But, vow does vat work? Is it like moi's only one sucroit?" He asked, his whiskers twitching curiously, he couldn't believe the rumor was true!

"Ah, yes, just like that, indeed." He muttered, if reptiles could blush. Luckily, being a chameleon, he was covered. As, not only his face, but his whole body had turned crimson.

Ka-Boom stood up, "So mon ami iz veally gifted?"

The male's redness was bordering on the colour of flames, he actually looked quite flammable(ooh, not a good word given the context of this one-shot) at the moment.

"Iz okay if tu iz unvilling to continue, moi can vait."

Sneaky nodded, "Yeah, I'd rather we change the subject."

Although the rodent had agreed, his yes were drawn to the male's rear, what did all those scales feel like up close, he wondered to himself.

* * *

If you didn't get what they were talking about, most real life lizards and snakes have two penises, and naturally, one would inquire about such a thing.

Words:

Bon mot = well chosen word

Ennui = Boring

Faux pas = False step, violation of accepted, although unwritten, social rules

Je m'en fous = I don't give a damn/fuck!

Le sexe(It's obvious what this means)

Mais oui = But of course!

Mêlée = A confuse fight

Merde = Shit

Moi(You really, _really_ have to know this word!)

mon ami = A male friend

Pinochle = French card game

Pis-aller = Worse

Rapport = Good spirits

Sacré bleu(If you don't know this, you need help)

Sucroit = extra

tu = You


	7. Half The Sugar

Written on a whim, this is pretty random and the plot doesn't flow perfectly, but hey, it's not supposed to be a masterpiece!

* * *

When Splendid woke up one morning he yawned widely and scratched under the side of his mask. "Urg, why am I still sleepy?" He grumbled, staring at the clock, "It's - holy shit, three in the afternoon! I've slept in way too late!"

He got up and rushed through all his chores, before hurrying to his job. "Lumpy, I'm sorry I'm late, It won't happen again!" He shouted, the idiot moose stared at Splendid blankly.

"Uh, who are you, miss?"

"Of course you know who I am; I'm . . . " Suddenly he froze, _'Miss? Surely he's not talking to me.' _He glanced everywhere before rushing into the men's restroom, he ran out seconds later, receiving catcalls from every male co-worker he had. He then fled home.

"Jumping Jehoshaphat, I'm a girl!" He gasped as he hid away in his house, he was amazed, why didn't he feel different? Surely he would feel the sudden surge of hormones, or was all those fictional stories false? He grumbled, curling up under the covers in annoyance.

"Great, I'm a chick, what could possibly cause this to happen?" He mused.

Suddenly he felt his hero senses tingling and knew evil was afoot, as a matter of fact, it was right on the other side of his door.

He stood up, raising his(screw it, he's a girl, so he'll be called one damnit) paws as she prepared to fight.

"Hey Splend-idiot, you in there?" Splendont's voice called out as he ruthlessly pried the hinges off, the door was flung aside and a blue-masked, red-furred flying squirrel glanced inside curiously.

Splendont growled, but the second he saw the newly feminine squirrel however, he became embarrassed. "Oh, who are you?" His eyes grew wider the longer he stared at her.

"I'm . . . Splenda."

"This_ is _Splendid's house, right?" Splendont asked, gazing about.

"Yes . . . I'm his . . . sister and taking his place for the day until he gets back from his . . . vacation." Splendid lied, grateful that she never divulged any information about her family. If there was nothing to go on, it was easy to make up a whole story without sounding suspicious.

"Oh, so he does have a family, that guy is so secretive, wait a minute! Heroes don't take vacations! Not that that blue-furred oaf is deserving of the title."

"Hey, I-er, my brother's a perfectly fine hero!" The she-squirrel snapped, crossing her arms indignantly. She then retorted. "You're that no-good Splendont guy who is a sinister villain, aren't you?"

"Yeah, I'm him, but I'm really not that bad. I'm sorry, miss, I guess I shouldn't insult him around you. How long have you been here?"

"All day, this is all so unusual." She was mainly talking about the transformation, but the crimson male saw it as her way of saying she'd never seen the sights before.

"Hey, how about I show you around?" He offered.

"Huh?"

"Well, a pretty lady like yourself shouldn't stay cooped up in a messy place like this, you need to get out and share that beautiful face with the world."

A blush tinged Splendid's cheeks and she suddenly felt embarrassed, shouldn't she get angry at those words? She had always hated the thought of being called 'pretty' before this happened, but she felt giddy at the words now. "You aren't going to do any devious thing like hold me hostage or use me against Splendid?"

"Hey, I may be a villain, but I'm far above oppressing females and taking advantage of them like most scum do."

Splendid paused, what could go wrong? She'd get more dirt on the male and maybe even have some fun. "Fine, but if you even think of doing anythi-" Before she could finish he had grabbed her paw and started flying, practically dragging the female along.

He showed her the sights, considering she'd seen it all before so many times, she found it hard to act impressed, but Splendont seemed to see through her charade.

"Okay, I'll tell you what, I'll take you to an extra special place over near the playground, it's a little restaurant called, "Mime and Dine."

Her ears perked up. "When did that appear?"

"A few weeks ago, it's really nice, come on!"

When they'd settled at the place Giggles walked up and handed them each a menu. "Who's your girlfriend, Splendont?"

Said squirrel shuffled nervously. "She's not my girlfriend, she's Splendid's sister, Splenda."

Giggles nodded. "Okay, if you say so. See anything you like?"

Splendid was scanning the meals before she saw an ice cream sundae that sounded delicious. "I'll have this." She said, pointing.

"Oh, that's a special treat, and it only has half the sugar, that way you won't lose your figure so quickly."

"Tch, females." Splendont sniggered, and was silenced by their glares.

"I thought you weren't going to oppress me?"

"I never said I'd understand you either!" He snapped, he turned his attention the his menu before throwing it down in a huff. "Just get me the usual."

Taking the menus, the chipmunk went off, returning with a large cup of coffee that had nutmeg sprinkled in it. "Here, you're going to have nerve problems in the future if you keep drinking these every time you visit."

He rolled his eyes and drank the coffee without replying. When Giggles finally brought the sundae, Splendid was squirming in her seat in anticipation. "Ooh, it looks delicious!" She squealed.

While she was chowing down, her ears picked up on all the conversations around her, namely the one a certain anteater was having with a certain skunk.

"So the Kryptonut shards that fell down from the sky and into town last night came from outer space?" Petunia asked, her eyes rapt with interest.

"Yeah, but they aren't like normal ones, they must have some strange effect or something." Sniffles replied.

"Splenda, are you okay?" The anti-hero asked.

Nodding numbly, she asked, "Were you in town last night?"

"No, I was out, surveying the area, why?"

The spoon clattered to the floor, jumping up, Splendid sped over, grabbed Sniffles by the arm, and left. Petunia stared in shock before she banged her fist. "Damn, so close!"

Splendont just stared blankly before scratching at his mask, "What the hell?"

The second Splendid was inside of Sniffles' lab, she released the male.

"What the heck was that fo-"

"Look, I'm sorry, it's just, I need your help." Splendid shouted.

"I don't even know you."

"Yeah, yeah you do, I'm Splendid." She saw the speculative look the cyan male was giving her, "Something happened, I got turned into a chick last night. You mentioned Kryptonut earlier an-"

A paw pressed to his temple, the male groaned, "I'm afraid it's permanent,"

"What?"

"Look, if it was the Kryptonut, which is possible, the normal ones are only temporary, like the kind you've been exposed to, but you shouldn't have changed gender-wise. If this is all the Kyptonut's fault, you're stuck like this."

"Wait, can't you at lest look into it?" Splendid asked.

"Nope, on the bright side, that male you were with would make a nice boyfriend, you should at least make the best of this . . . incident."

"Oh, I will, starting with tying your snout shut!" Splendid growled, but didn't, he just left.

"Splenda, what happened? You left so suddenly." Splendont exclaimed when the female barged into her house, he was sitting there casually as if he had no worries.

"None of your business!" She snapped, throwing herself upon the bed.

"Come on, you can talk to me, what's wrong?"

_'I'm a male who woke up as a female and can't return to my original form is what!"_ She thought, but just sniffed and rolled over.

"Aw, don't cry, I don' think pretty girls should ever cry." Splendont said, sitting down on the bed's side.

"Just go away." She sniffed and then felt something brush against her foot. "Eh, what's tha-a-aaaaahahat?" She exclaimed suddenly giggling as the male tickled her feet with his long, fluffy tail.

"Stop that!" She snapped.

"Oh, come on Splenda, cheer up!" He cooed, grabbing her flailing legs and holding them still as he tickled them with his tail even more.

"Aha! N-nuh-no, that's ah. Heee, hee, I cah-can't bruh-eathe" She exclaimed, rolling all about while laughing wildly. She was gasping for breath.

Suddenly she rolled and Splendont released his hold, the she squirrel fell over the edge and let out a muffled yelp as she impacted. Gasping, she laid there for a few seconds before she sat up.

"You jerk! Why did you do that?"

"Oh come on, Splendid, you've always been ticklish."

"So? That's no reason for you to- wait- WHAT?" She exclaimed.

"You really think I'd believe it wasn't you? Splenda is a type of sugar substitute, I'd feel bad if anybody ever had to live with that name! Although I can see why you chose it, you're personality only has half the sugar!"

"But how can you be so calm about it?"

"Because, . . . I'm responsible for it."

"Holy-"

Splendont cupped a paw around her mouth. "Please, just listen. I really didn't know what would happen, I just was curious, Kryptonut doesn't work on me, so when I used it on you. . . the result was just too good to be true. I was hoping I wouldn't tell you, but you need to know. All this time I was just playing along, hoping you'd like me more if you didn't know."

Splendid pushed his paw away. "You . . . you made me into this? Why?"

The male glanced away, sighing. "Curiosity, stupidity, loneliness, love, pick one."

"Love?" Splendid repeated incredulously.

"Uh, yeah, it's complicated." Splendont replied.

"I see, so is my current state, you do know this is permanent, right?"

Suddenly the male twitched, "Ah, no, I thought it would only last a little while."

Growling the female turned away. "Male's are so senseless!"

"You used to be a male!"

"Yeah, well you kind of ruined that! I have to pee sitting down now!"

Splendont tried not to snicker, "Look, I'll make it up to you . . somehow."

"Oh really?" Splendid snarled, obviously miffed. "How?"

Fumbling, he struggled for options. "I'll buy you anything you want, take you on dates, I'll even move in with you if I have to."

A blush crossed the changeling's face. "So basically you'll become my boyfriend."

"Would it help?" He asked hopefully, Splendont had never understood females, now he was promising to be at one's beck and call.

"It's a start," Splendid replied, her eyes were evaluating the male. "What do you get?"

"Smiles, a hug, you not trying to smother me with a pillow while I'm asleep."

"What about kisses?" She asked.

The male's eyes widened. "h, well, those work too, but I thought. . ."

He was stopped by Splendid, the female was suddenly kissing him. She smirked when the kiss ended. "If I were you, I'd realize that your last idea made me female and therefore your method of thinking is shot."

". . . Okay, I deserved that." He replied.

"You'll deserve all the other insults I'll be throwing at you as well, you big jerkface, but I guess I can't stay mad at you." She huffed. Kissing him again.

* * *

The joke was born out of a rant about Splenda. Where I was listening to this guy say, "You know what else uses half the sugar? Half the fucking sugar!" And then I thought about this for a while before it began to form in my head.

Not my best work, just something I thought would be funny.


	8. Inspired by a True Event

This was inspired by one of the funniest things my boyfriend ever did. It was on his fifteenth birthday, the last gift he got was a - well, you'll see what it was, the restaurant we were at was Mazzio's as well..

Other than that, this is just fiction.

I don't own Happy Tree Friends or Mazzios.

* * *

Everyone was down at Mazzio's, celebrating Toothy's fifteenth birthday.

" birthdaaay tooooooooooooooo yooooooooooooooouuu!" They sang, finishing the song. The buck-toothed beaver smiled. "Thanks guys, I can't wait to see what you got me!" He said.

His parents had already allowed him to open all but one of their gifts to him, linkin logs and a How To Build A Damn DIY book along with a cool new baseball cap that was bright blue along with a glove, mitt, baseball and a bat. But the fact that they were holding a gift in reserve for last made him extremely curious.

"Hey, Toothy!" Cuddles shouted, "We're really going to have to break that mitt in, won't that be fun?" The yellow rabbit asked.

His nose trembling he nodded, not really liking it as much as he normally would due to the fact he usually lost an eye whenever it came to round things, lollipops, jawbreakers, round things always ended up hurting him in the end. "Sure, you'll have to show me a few tricks first."

Cuddles nodded and handed Toothy the gift he's bought, it was clearly not wrapped by him, but by Giggles, as was evident y the pink paper and red bow. When he opened it he grinned, brand new mittens so that he didn't freeze his paws off this winter. "Thanks, Cuddles!" He said as he embraced the male.

"Easy Toothy, the others are watching." Said rabbit replied, squirming out of the hug.

He nodded and gave the male an apologetic look.

There were all sorts of gifts. A remote control helicopter from Handy, an eye patch from Russel so he could look like "a real pirate, yaar", Lumpy even managed to get a semi-decent gift for one, it was a big conch that roared with the sound of the sea, and it was really pretty on the inside as well.

Gifts kept coming, Pop and Cub had gotten him some new opera CD's so he could practice his singing more. Shifty and Lifty had "gotten" him a special metal detector for the days when he wanted to be a treasure hunter. Surprised he had thanked them profusely. Petunia's gift was so neatly wrapped, it was almost impossible to open, there was enough tape to hold a house together on it. But the contents were worth struggling for, it was a special book that told him the best ways of organizing things, a day planner, and five flash drives to organize computer files on.

Then, Cuddles handed him a box. "Splendid wanted you to have this, he had to go fight his rival, but he said to tell you he's sorry."

Inside was autographed posters, pens, pins, magazines and every single type of merchandise that had the flying squirrel on it. "Wow, this is so cool, my hero got me a birthday gift!" He grinned and stared in awe. "You guys are the best!" He shouted.

"Okay, son, here is the gift." His father said, handing it over.

Anticipation coursing through his veins he ripped it open and gasped. "Oh wow, it's a . . . " He let out a happy squeal. Everyone leaned closer to see what he was so excited about, suddenly he jumped up and began dancing around with the present.

"Oh wow, oh wow, oh wow! A joystick! My very own joystick, I've been wanting a joystick for a loong time! I can't wait to play with it!" He twirled, laughing, "My very own joystick, oh boy, I'm really going to have fun when I get home!"

Disco Bear nudged the raccoon twins and whispered something that made them snigger, they spread the joke on, only Cub, Pop, Cuddles and Lumpy failed to grasp the meaning.

"Hey Toothy," Disco called, "we're glad you like your joystick and all," He sniggered, "but can we start eating some pizza and cake now?"

"Huh? Oh yeah, sure, I'm just going to stare at my joystick, look at how perfect it is! He exclaimed,

Shifty whispered to his brother. "I hope he puts that away, it's impolite to have your joystick out while others are eating."

A chorus of laughs echoed across the table, Toothy didn't notice, he was busy staring at his joystick.

"So that's supposed to help with his hand eye coordination, yaar? I was told that playing with my joystick would make me go blind." Russel murmured, making more laughs pass around the table.

"As long as he leave it at home, I'll be fine with it." Cuddles said, unaware of the perversity of the conversation. "I'm actually pretty eager to play with that joystick myself."

Giggles began choking on her mushroom pizza, gagging and wheezing, luckily Handy headbutted her in the chest to perform the Heimlich. Turning, she glared at her boyfriend, "Don't talk like that, it's disgusting!"

Ears drooping, he gave her a blank look, "Huh?"

"Here, I'll explain it to you." She said and whispered the secret in his ear, a blush crossed his face,

"Ew, Giggles, I would never, that's just, ew!"

"Hey, you're the one who wanted to play with it." She retorted.

"Not like that! Ewww!" He exclaimed, "You've scarred me for life, you sick minded animals!" He exclaimed, receiving bellows of laughter in return.

* * *

Yes, my boyfriend really wanted a joystick for his birthday and he got one too, you should've seen his face, he got huge eyes and started screaming about how much he had wanted a joystick. I, being the dirty-minded female I am, started laughing and had to cover my mouth to hide it. He still gets flustered when I bring it up, it was so damn funny though!

I hope everyone knows what a joystick is, because I'm not exactly eager to explain the whole joke entailed in it.


	9. A Parody of A Parody

Just a few minute quickie. I don't own the Gay Barbie Song. This is a parody of the Gay Barbie Song which is a parody of the Barbie Song. So it's a parody of a parody. I know, I'm just that random! This will probably scar you for life, or make you cringe, but by now, you should be used to it considering I am the author.

* * *

"Evil, I want to go home." Flippy whined, he moved his feet back and forth in the dirt. "I'm so bored, this bench is hard, it's too sunny, please, let's go home?"

"No!" The male snapped, turning around. "I have to keep an eye on that no good man-stealing whore."

Shifty and Lifty ran up,. the former gasping for breath, "Hi Evil!"

"Hi Shifty!"

"Wanna go somewhere?" The raccoon asked.

Evil shook his head, "I can't, she's at it again."

Flippy was already scooting over to make room for Lifty as the two cuddled, blushing cutely and watched their bossy twins as the two passed Evil's binoculars back and forth, cussing and scowling. On a bench about ten yards away was Splendid, trying not to listen to the pink chipmunk who was busy throwing blackmail at him in order to set up a date. From the guy's perspective, it looked like she was setting up a date and he was accepting it without a pause.

"Giggles is such a bitch," Evils snapped, "she it just a witch."

Shifty nodded his head and glared angrily. "I really hate her, why does Splendid date her?"

"Ooh," Evil cooed, his eyes wide, "Splendid's such a man, I do all I can."

They both exclaimed at the same time, "Just to do him, we just want to screw him!" which made Lifty and Flippy giggle.

Lifty whispered in his boyfriend's ear. "They really do need to get laid." Flippy cupped his mouth to keep from bursting out laughing.

Swiping at the air, the dark bear exclaimed, "She's such a bitch I'm gonna scratch her eyes out"

"I have dreams about him being inside my den and we hold, and we kiss like we're sweet hearts."

"But that Giggles is a slut, with her pink little butt and I guess he Likes boobs made of fake parts." Evil grumbled, tearing the bark off of a nearby tree in anger.

"And I cry, every day," Shifty sniffed, wiping tears away.

"Cause' strait up that bitch is in my way!" The male embraced Shifty, comforting him.

Shifty suddenly whispered, "We could make an 'accident happen, you know."

"Oh, yes, let's." Evil agreed, his eyes gleaming with delight.

"Giggles is a bitch, she is just a witch!" They sang.

"I really hate her, why does Splendid date her?"

"Splendid is such a man, I do all I can." Suddenly Evil thought of putting the squirrel in drag, oh, ribbons and bows tied around his cute fluffy tail!

"Just to do him, we just want to screw him!" They exclaimed, and Evil whispered the dirty thoughts in the male's ears, making Shifty give an evil chuckle and nod while twirling around. "Yeah! He'd look so hot in a dress!" said raccoon exclaimed.

"When I see her I will knee her in the ovaries!" Evil snarled.

"Hey Evil!"

"What Shifty? I can't believe you just interrupted me."

He pointed towards the approaching chipmunk. "Sorry, but look who's over there."

A fanged grin, "Well if it isn't Giggles, _without_ Splendid or that stupid yellow rabbit!"

"Hey Giggles come here, come over here missy!" They called.

Grinning the female skipped over. "Hi guys what's u-"

Evil and Shifty pounced on her, scratching and punching at the rodent.

"You hooker!" Evil screamed, ripping the female's bow off and smashing her head with a rock.

"You bitch!" Shifty yelled, kicking her in the sides.

Gasping, Flippy and Shifty ran up and grabbed them by the arms. "Ok let's get the hell outta here."


End file.
